A turning point in my life was the moment I realised I didn’t like very many people. I know that sounds negative and cynical, but it is actually a really positive thing to realise, by doing so, I understood that not everyone likes me either, and that’s ok.
Nine whole years ago I was 15 years old, and at the time I was very rebellious, I hated school with a passion and hated being told what to do, so I did things my own way. I used to drink heavily and go clubbing every weekend, I got into trouble at school because I mirrored the teachers’ lack of respect and in the end, I got kicked out my house. The school I was at back then was terrible with no discipline and no interest in individuals, and most of the people there were not good for me at all. It wasn’t until I left that situation and went to sixth-form that I realised what a bad time of my life that was. During sixth-form I struggled a lot with depression and apart from one or two good friends, I was surrounded by people who shattered my confidence.
Since leaving school and really discovering myself, I couldn’t be farther from that person I was all those years ago, but for a long time I felt haunted by who I used to be. When I was feeling low I used to behave recklessly and selfishly because I felt like there was no consequence, I didn’t really care about anything so I had nothing to lose. Since then it was like those stupid things I did and said somehow stayed with me, as though it didn’t matter how successful and happy I became, there were people out there who knew what a mess I had been.
These days I have a few very good friends whom I trust deeply and have a lot of respect for, these people make me feel like they love to be around me and they make me believe I can do anything. When negative things happen in my life they put it down to the insecurities and weaknesses of other people. It took me a long time to find these people, and usually it is an effort to see them because our lives have moved on and so we stay in touch because we want to. In the past I have compared myself to people who seem to have hundreds of friends or large groups of girls they hang out with, but when I spend time with their group I realise none of them actually care about each other, they just want someone to go to a bar or a party with, it doesn’t take long to see that those are the flaky, superficial friendships I had in the past which left me feeling empty.
I have always been someone with big dreams and had things that I want to accomplish which seem impossible to most people. Up until now, everything I have wanted I have achieved for myself, I didn’t go to Uni and I have worked really hard to get where I am without a degree. It is only recently I have worked out what success means to me, and it has changed my entire perspective. I realised that for so long I was harbouring the past when it really didn’t matter, and I was being a road-block to my own success because I was subliminally obsessing over a time in my life which was so long ago, and worrying it would somehow get into my present.
The main thing I have learnt is that you have to be true to who you really are. Even if that person is disliked by people, when you start to look beneath the surface and stop criticising yourself, you can ask yourself whether you actually care and allow yourself the luxury of not giving a shit.
Since changing my perspective I have felt more grounded and focussed than ever, I am feeling inspired and motivated to fulfill things. I don’t know if it is a New Year’s Resolution per se, but more of an attitude I am going to adopt, to stop criticising myself based on other people’s behaviour, and to let go of the person I was at a dark time.